Dad's Anniversary - 2 years -

Hello. I’ve been having a bit of a blogging break. I think it’s because I haven’t wanted to think too much about things. This is a hard week for me. Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death. It was 2 years ago and it was unfair and it was a shock. He died of mesothelioma which is a cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. It was a cruel and swift cancer. It was my birthday this week too and that is the day my dad had his last "festa." I have a lot to say about it but I don’t think I can today.

This year has been different to the first. The first year after he died was raw. The second year, I have tried to not think about things and be really busy. I know those thoughts are simmering under the surface though.

I remember odd things. Mum and I left the palliative care unit at about 11pm on Dec 23rd 2009 and the lovely nurses said they would call if there were any developments. At about 3am, mum’s mobile rang and the ring tone was Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison. It was so loud and whenever I hear that song I think of that time. We raced to palliative care and sat in dad’s room. My brother and my godmother met mum and I there.

Watching someone die is an indescribable privilege. Dad’s breathing was hard and laboured. We pleaded with him to let go. It was so heartbreaking but he was suffering too much and no one should live like that. He gestured for us to let him be and we sat in the quiet. We had said all the words that we wanted to say; we had said them over the previous few weeks. We said some more prayers and we waited.

Given it was the week before Christmas I had agonised over what present to buy him and when to give it to him. Ridiculous really; who cares? I bought him a blanket and gave it to him a couple of days before. He couldn’t take it in. I sat in the chair in his room that morning of the 24th of December with the blanket over me while I waited for him to take his last breath.

Just as dawn broke we heard some birds chirping and he drew his last breath…we stood up and rushed over to him. It was such an enormous relief. His suffering was over. The beautiful palliative care nurse had a gorgeous Irish accent and she went and picked a peach coloured rose from the garden and put it on his pillow.

We said our final goodbyes and left that palliative care room. The relief was immeasurable and the emptiness palpable. I remember I had to stop off at the local corner shop to get some milk or something trivial and I remember being greeted by the shop assistant, “so you all ready for Christmas?” I don’t remember my answer but I remember feeling like I had been dropped on Earth from another planet.

I didn’t think I was going to say much today and I don’t know why I chose to say this.

We are choosing to celebrate Christmas Eve and dad’s anniversary with a seafood banquet every year. Dad loved seafood and that will be our thing. I can’t write about how much I miss my dad or how cheated we all feel and how cruel and unfair this situation is.

I just can’t write anymore.

Rest in Peace my dearest dad
Michele Calafiore
2/2/45 -24/12/2009

Panettone - Wordless Wednesday

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...get your Panettone out people!!!

LOVING IT!!!

Linking up with My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday

Sentimental Summer

This is my first post where I am joining up with Miss Mandy from A Little Space like Home for Sentimental Summer.  If you are so inclined you can post a picture of yourself doing something in summer but you need to be in the photo! (Hope that is kind of correct Miss Mandy?).

My weekend wasn’t particularly summery but I am drawing on my *Bollard collection from the weekend before and this week I am sharing Bollard No 21 with you!

Tram Conductress – Geelong’s trams ran from 1912 to 1956. This tram conductress is from the 1940s. (I have to find out why she is knitting booties with a fag hanging out of her mouth!)

She is right next to the Wharf Shed café. The picture of me however is in front of No. Number 24. Sailor and Woman (2). Bad photo Miss Mandy but I am trying to follow the rules!

Here’s to summer I say. By far my most favourite of all seasons!!

* BAY WALK BOLLARDS, created by artist JAN MITCHELL.104 painted wooden sculptures around the arc of Corio Bay, from Rippleside Park to Limeburners Point, tell the affectionate history of Geelong, Victoria, Australia. Waterfront Geelong by Baywalk Bollards

Christmas tree is up!!!

1977?

I have always loved putting up the Christmas tree. It was always my job. I remember when I was little our trees were pretty much only decorated with things my brother and I had made at school and I LOVED it!

My mum (Nonna dynamo) still has the angel that I made at kinder and it always goes on the top of the tree. I love tree decorations that aren’t perfect and colour co-ordinated. I love the kids getting involved and marvelling at all the cool things that have been in storage for a year.

As most of you know, we are living with Nonna dynamo while our new house gets built so we are putting up her tree today. The kids are pumped. My dad used to always get a real tree and I have to admit, you can’t beat that…the smell that wafts through the air. When we are in our new house, I think I might try the real tree again.

For now this artificial one is fine…any tree is fun. I am grateful for our Christmas tree and the chance to celebrate. One year, BK (before kids) hubby and I had a blow up tree when we on holidays in Queensland. It doesn’t matter what you do, but you must do something!

A very wise person I know (Commare Felish…you know who you are) told me that she always reflects each year when she is taking the tree down about what the next year will bring… I like this ritual as a time of reflection. I always write things on the Christmas tree box that the kids often say and it’s fun to look at it each year.

This time of year is hard for us because my dad passed away on Christmas Eve 2009. I am trying to put Christmas in a “box” and his anniversary in a different “box”. Often I can do it but sometimes it’s hard. Today I opened up the little tree that my godmother bought for my dad when he was in palliative care and I was immediately thrown back there. I can’t throw out that little tree but it’s hard to look at. It’s important to remember though.

I am grateful to have had this year living with dynamo Nonna. It has been somewhat healing I think for all of us.

Linking up with Maxabella Loves, Grateful Post